Going through life altering changes can be pretty hard. Especially when everything you've planned for and dreamt of, get ripped from your hands, and there's nothing you can do about it. In those moments, many probably just wanna lay down in fetal position and cry.
I'm not that type of person.
When life kick you in the stomach, you have the opportunity to take a good hard look at yourself, the way you live and your goals. It's a great time for growth and change. And that's how I see things, that's what I try to do. Laying down crying and cursing the world gets you nowhere!
I'm not saying there have been just smiles and fun the last couple of months.
I've gone through days in shock, days in panic, days of share grief. It's taken me a long time to delete all the files on my computer with baby plans, or albums with babythings/babyclothes/babyrooms which I've been saving over the last two years. I think that was the hardest part for me in general, letting go of the dreams of another child. Because when I suddenly was alone, and had time to think things over I quickly realised HE wasn't the right man for me... And then of course, he wouldn't be the right man to have a child with, but getting out of that baby bubble I've been in for so long was more than difficult.
But, as I said. I can't just lay down. So I've spent these months changing the way I think. I'm trying to focus on how great it is to have ONE child, a almost grown up child. A child who can get all my time and energy. But also, since she's a teen, this gives me as a mother a lot more freedom. Freedom to get a job with late hours now and then. Freedom to get out with the girls and drink some wine. Freedom to lay in bed as long as I want. And there is so much fun things we can do together...
It's also been pretty great getting rid of everything we owned, and start over in a different town.
Not only with regards to material things, or the way I think, but also the way we eat!!!
During my IVF treatments I've been focusing on healthy food, but even more so now.
A big part of IVF treatments is pushing the body full of hormones, and mine didn't handle that very well.
I couldn't even handle birth control when I was young (my doctor gave me a hormone shot/depo-provera when I was 17, and I lost my period for over a year and gained 30 kg over 4 months), so I knew it was a pretty good chance that my body would react the same way to the IVF treatments. I didn't gain as much this time, but enough to not feel beautiful in my own skin. Enough to not be healthy. Enough to not fit my clothes...
So now I'm having a lot of fun with food. Choosing healthy food. Baking my own bread. Making everything from scratch. And I've been looking into exercise as well. To find something I could try out. And I've landed on yoga! I know, some of you might think: Omg, is she going to turn all healthy yoga hippie on us now, and I can tell you - YES I AM! hahaha... I'm in awe when I see the body control people who've been training yoga have. It is b e a u t i f u l to watch. Also, I'm drawn to this body/mind/soul aspect of it all. Learning to breathe. Learning to be in the now.
So I did my very first yoga session this morning...
I jumped out of bed, did my yoga and then had a cup of coffee out in the sun after! And it felt so good. Ok, I was not great. It was actually pretty heavy for me. My wrists hurt, and keeping my back the right way (head over heart over pelvic) was hard too. But I got through it, and it was a good feeling to have done some sort of exercise before breakfast. And yes, I want to train at home in the beginning. Then later on, when my body is a little more used to it, and I feel I can more about yoga I will probably attend some classes. So I spent some time over at youtube, until I found a channel I enjoyed. Which turned out to be yoga with Adriene. The way she explain works for me, she also have a lot of different videos to choose from. But the one I'm starting with is of course yoga for complete beginners.
So. This is where I am at the moment. Changing the way I think. Changing the way I eat. Trying out yoga. Making a home for us. And trying to get a new job. The road here has not been easy, but there can be beauty in change guys, and I will continue standing up, with a huge smile on my face!
5 months ago I did this list. When I look back on it now, I can see the depression seep through my sentences. 5 months is not a long time, but oh, a lot have happened since then. It almost feels like a lifetime ago. So it's time to do it again
I'm taking stock
Making : a tiny, but cosy home for me and my daughter Cooking : easy healthy meals Drinking : coffee, black Reading: nothing really, other than blogs ofc Wanting: a coffee-table Looking: @ pictures. On interiorblogs, pinterest and IG Playing: music while painting. Love this one Wasting: very little Sewing: the answer to this will probably always be nothing Wishing: the summer will hang around for a long time Enjoying: Life as it is, right now Waiting: for the paint to dry Liking: this b e a u t i f u l home Wondering: about everything and nothing Loving: being single Hoping: no gorgeous men will cross my path, so I can stay single for a very long time. hahaha.... Marvelling: over how much things change in such little time Needing: nothing at the moment. I'm content! And it feels good. Smelling: seabutter and warm vanilla Wearing: oversized black, grey and white - most of the time. Following: a lot of feeds over at IG Noticing: everything fall into place Knowing: him leaving the relationship was the right thing to do Thinking: I should have had the balls to do it myself a long time ago
Bookmarking: this cute post over at Bohemian Diesel Opening: my heart to new people Giggling: several times every day Feeling: this was the right move for us. Feeling happy...
A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week in 2014
When Sara saw the apartment for the first time, empty - yellow and small, she wasn't feeling too great about it.
She was more like "this is not going to be cosy"...
But now we are all moved in, and even tho we don't have much - the rug, plants and couch instantly made the apartment more snug and cute. And for the last two days, we've been painting like crazy, turning this tiny place all white and gorgeous.
To be honest, Sara hasn't been much help in that area, she's more into painting herself than the wall -
I just had to laugh when I saw this, and send her on her way...
But thanks for the tiny bit you did paint ♥
There is still a lot of work to be done here... But oh boy, it will be so nice when we/well - I am done.
When I was younger I wanted people around me all the time.
I wanted people to visit me, if they couldn't I would visit them - And if I knew I had a night coming up without Sara, I had to plan something to do - perhaps drink - and figure out who I could socialise with. Because being alone, God damn, how boring was that?
Alone? No way!
But something changed in my late 20's. The need to have people around me all the time slowly went away, I started to love my own company, the silence and the calm. I became calm, finally. If I had a weekend without Sara, I started spending it home instead of going out. Just enjoying the easy slow mornings and even more slow evenings. I loved it.
From then on and out, being alone when I want to, became important to me.
For the last month Sara and I have been refuges, or nicely told: on a very long summer vacation.
We've been living with friends, family, on hotels, travelling with airplanes, cars and boats.
We've been social times 10, all day - every day.
I get tired just thinking about it.
Today we got the keys to our new apartment. And I look forward to move in, to throw my feet on the table and just settle down. Being with friends and family, being social, going on vacations is all fine and dandy -
but to come home, isn't that the best part of it all?!
A portrait of my daughter, once a week, every week in 2014
Overtired at the beach
Laughed until she cried
Time to go home
It was late
Haven't had time to go through all the photos from this weeks link ups, also I've been to busy to comment like I usually do. Later this week I'm sure things will calm down a bit over here, and we can start getting into our normal routines. It will be nice.
I am really loving this "starting over" project of mine
Having nothing, and then slowly gather the things I need and want. Being selective
Really think things through before buying, and appreciate the items I get
My plan is to get hold of as much cheap thrifted furniture as possible. I'm talking things like dining table, couch and refrigerator and give them a make over. Probably a bed as well, but I will for sure buy a new top mattress.... Everything else, the small stuff, will be carefully picked out. I don't want to fill my new home from top to bottom. And the little I buy, I try to find in natural materials with an organic feel when it comes to color and texture...
Right now I'm really really sick. The flu hit me hard a couple of days ago. So I'm just laying here on the couch, trying to gather strength to get on the airplane tomorrow with the teen, our luggage and Coco the cat. Have you ever been flying while having the flu and fever? I haven't, but it doesn't sound nice!
If you have any tips that can help me get well faster, please share
because we have so much to do the following weeks, and right now I'm just dead meat
I'm too beat to even read blogs, and that NEVER happens